They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
and hes going back to rehab like me, so we have common interests
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
BIGGER SANDWIJH COME NIW OR DIE
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
No my first time having an orgasm with you will not be on face time
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
This is like 50 shades on steroids but with healthy relationship models and mutual respect among all parties involved and lesbian activity.
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
Randomize
