omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
Judging by his buldge, this guy is huge. just paid steve to follow him into the bathroom and find out. They had a convo about it.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
Never in my life did I expect to see Eric's mom in a cheerleader outfit along with other women
Randomize