its like playing clue every morning after we party. she did him in the kitchen with..oh god.
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
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