Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
i'm watching the fashion show on bravo
you're cheating on project runway?
if you can't score coke, you buy crack.
when she was cumming she looked like terri schiavo. it took all of my memorized porn images to not go limp.
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
Randomize
