He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
Excuse me but the alley way I wanted to fuck in happens to be a very nice clean area.
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
I am both excited and frightened by the fact that this much everclear is legal here. Best vacation ever.
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
Randomize
