If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
Why are there hot girls at the dollar store?
The recession has changed everything man.
I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
I didn't realize how much I missed him until his balls were back in my mouth..
I dont think punching her boob is the type of reverse psychology that will get her to blow you.
That's saying a lot from the girl who takes her liquor with her to the library
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
How does one take the "you're the best sex I've ever had but I'm marrying someone that's sub-par in the sack" mind fuck?
I pity the fool.
Thanks Mr T.
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
Randomize
