if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
i think our first tip to leave should have been when we saw the drinks were coming out of a gas can
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
he's gonorrhea incarnate
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
He shit with the door open. I think that means we are in a realtionship.
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
Randomize
