yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
so third time im replacing the batteries on my vibrator in 2 months #sosingle....on another note though, black beauty is raring to go
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
Randomize