how many princess gummy vitamins will it take to negate last nights drinking binge?
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
My mom said "I saw the signs you guys were high, so I made the spaghetti"....so ya, I'd say she definitely knew
Randomize
