I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
I went in the closet and cried, then the bathroom and cried, and lastly he showed me his penis and I cried. It was a weird night.
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
Randomize
