1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
we marched down beaver avenue with lit tiki torches humming the olympics opening song.
So i know i shouldnt being spending random large amnts of money...but i just bought a sword.
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
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