The dr is doing well, he randomly asked if I was bi
It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
Haha. We better find him. He looked like he came out of Switzerland's vagina, he's that much of a blonde beauty.
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
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