If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
TBS has betrayed me by telling me tyler perry is funny
I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
banged a milf last night. she left right after cause of parent teacher conferences this morning. victory.
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
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