there's paper in my vomit.
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
First week is awesome. Freshman girls prancing around everywhere like newborn baby deer looking for a dick to jump on
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
What a way to start the day. Staring at penis for 3 hours
It's pretty much my favorite thing ever
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