so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
How much cunt could a cunt bag punch if a cunt bag could punch cunt?
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
Randomize
