I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
k, so I just picked a four leaf clover, then saw my dads penis. Lucky? I think not.
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
My vagina is very pro this idea
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
The thing about online classes is the prof can't tell this mug is full of beer.
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
Randomize
