The preggo girl brought her pet chipmunk to class today. fyi.
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
You want anything?
Gatorade and you naked.
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
Who ever is in the stall next to me is crying and it sounds like they're doing massive amounts of blow too. Finals for your ass huh.
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
Turns out end of the world sex is H-O-T, HOoot! I'll be the only progressive lady smiling today
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
Randomize
