My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
I'm quite proud of this turning point from one night stands to giving some guy a BJ to fix my car for free.
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
i think the penis that was inside of me changed my life
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
No like you fell onto the fence. I don't even know how you got into the fenced in area.
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
Randomize
