wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
the boy next to me on the plane handed me a shot glass, then a perkaset, and told me to have a good week off..hellllo spring break.
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
at least you got your priorties in line. new years first, than the baby.
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
I smelled him yesterday and almost relapsed he's like cocaine
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
Randomize
