She went from zero to smokin in five shots
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
It was literally 8 o'clock in the morning. His horniness knows no bounds.
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
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