i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
