please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
Honestly you'd think more guys would be happy to date a cute female dealer, but apparently something about safety or whatever
he just cleaned his wound with pinnacle whipped
But on the plus side, what he lacked in size he made up for with speed. And grunting.
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
Randomize
