Holy wow, I found all the old poems u wrote me back when we were in looooooooove...just sort of wild to look back on, thought u'd like that
I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
HOLY SHIT! Did you see the dick on that Great White Shark?!?!?!
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
He gave me such a powerful orgasm I blurted out I love you. This is why just rebouding out of a serouis relationship is awkward.
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
I appreciate your acceptance of my lack of morals
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
Here when you come to your senses come back here and I'll fuck you back out of them.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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