I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
sometimes i wonder what i would do without sheltered catholic girls w/ overprotective parents
never have sex?
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
who's fault is it that she tells me today she is only 16 because i definately met her at the bar...
Even the bartender felt bad for me
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
I'don't know who your are but its that time a day. Drunk it up. Did you buy a House for goundhogs days?
Some one left their pants in the elevator.
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
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