we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
50% drunk capacity currently
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
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