he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
You said this was your mistake shot and then vomited on the tv. Never forget.
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
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