Whiskey dick.
Yea dude! Love it. Hate it. Have it.
Everyday of my life.
Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
Randomize
