Obv we're gonna bbm each other in bed
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
Be honest with Daniel. He was a good rebound to you for nine months and he made it so you could be with the one you really love and care for now. Just tell him thanks and best of luck.
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
