You are possibly the most enthusiastic, likable bad influence I've ever met.
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
you made me watch la bamba, and then you yelled at me for disrespecting your mexican heritage.
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
Come over I need help. I just almost died in an acid flashback while listening to do You Feel Like We Do off of the Frampton Comes Alive album.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
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