we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
found a pic of my little bro & his girl naked. he got the brains and the huge junk gene. I hate him
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
Feels weird sitting between two guys who've had their heads between my legs in a 24 hour span.
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
I think I may have just taught my whole hall how to give a good blow job. So this is college.
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
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