We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
Randomize
