Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
Her face just looks like a massive mistake. That's the only legitimate description I can say about it
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
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