Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
I just got a bj @ my old preschool...my childhood memories r all ruined
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
I WOLD FCUK YUO INTOO THE MOON
THE MOOOOOOOON
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
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