im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
One of my students just wrote an essay on how ninjas, like drug addicts, must realize they need help before they can get better...I gave it an A+
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
On my list on ridiculous morning after bus rides home, still sopping wet and carrying a giant straw hat is definitely top five
passed a homeless guy with a sign that read "420 vetran" we gave him a bowl of bud
Overall win. We all know who got to sleep on the concrete outside of Denny's with you.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
I am watching Wayne Gretzky and Alexander oveckhin play video games for charity. What is life right now.
Randomize
