Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
Why do all fat girls have "that smell"?
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
I managed to throw up 90 feet under water, just removed my breathing tube, puked, put it back in. All inclusive is the way to go.
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
I don't remember anything other than how good it felt when I peed my pants.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
All I'm sayin is that I don't want to raise anything. Or deal with anything. Or having anything come out of my vagina. I mean, I don't think that's asking too much.
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
Randomize
