She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
Randomize
