I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
I look like one classy bitch running in heels through my backyard while carrying a small dog and a large bottle of booze. How am I still single?
Seems like you've kicked summer 2012 off well.
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
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