Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
i crashed through a building. if that counts then yes, i went out with a bang.
Well then I realized I had a bigger problem when I woke up a long board.
btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
It's a whole movie about Joseph Gordon-Levitt watching porn and having sex... I NEED to own it..
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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