Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
Said he wanted to wear me as a loincloth. Not sure if sexual or predatory
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
Randomize
