thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
the three of them together have enough kids to fill a barney live audience.
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
I went through his pics. Will you go with me to get tested?
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
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