Grossest hangover story of 09: Puked in the bathtub. I was in it.
I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
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