ive been sending my husband naked pics of my whole body from my phone..its a work phone. do you think our boss can see? if so, im either getting fired, or a raise.
also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
Can we ask the Hungry Howie's guy to pick up some blunt wraps on the way over?
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
Randomize
