why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
Bring booze and chicks. Separate, or one already in the other. Your call.
He actually believes he's not an alcoholic if he doesn't go to meetings.
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
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