You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
2011 senior yearbook drinking game. we're taking a shot whenever some dumbass uses that quote about how life isn't isn't about the breaths you take, but the moments that take your breath away. also that retarded wayne gretzky one about missing shots you don't take.
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
we went to go get waffles and then i sucked his dick in a parking lot. average tuesday.
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
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