I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
Finally put clothes on I've been laying naked in the bed for approximately 4 hours since I showered and by showered I mean when I laid down in the bathtub with the shower on
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
Topless Tuesday? One of us will be really happy the other not so much.
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
isnt it crazy how for years we were living our owns lives, and now only a wall seperates us?
stop. eating. my. shrooms.
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
Randomize
