Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
I have no memory of puking on someone. Was he cute?
Seriously, it was like sucking my thumb.. and im not even saying that to be spiteful b/c he is a really nice guy.
Is being a pregnant whore worse than an average one?
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
I probably would do him if given the chance but how awkward would Bible study be after that.
Etiquette question... How do you tell your mother that her nipple is out in her fb profile picture?
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
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