A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
i'm pretty sure i'm on the same train we took last friday..
what?how do you know?
it appears they have not cleaned up your vomit yet.
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
Ok. As long as I can keep Kevin contained to the room I'll be ok. If not u might have a naked puking Kevin at ur door
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
Pretty sure I was naked for most of the night.....success
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
Randomize
