Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
It's finally official that I am from Oklahoma. I'm currently sleeping with my ex-fling's brother.
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
Randomize
