gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
Studying for the exam.. Identifying the portraits using phrases like "large penis"
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
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