He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
It hits you later. Like when you wake up on the floor under a puzzle later.
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
It's become almost a Pavlovian response. The sound of the vacuum being run by hubby causes an instantaneous involuntary orgasm.
Randomize
