hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
Just found a glow stick inside of my vagina..
With the amount of traffic your vagina gets, it was only a matter of time before someone threw a rave there.
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
Totally. Bang on. He'll be fine. He might cry into your perfect tits once in a while, but that's the price ya pay.
So maybe I got drunk and hooked up with him in a hot tub? I mean that's nothing to be ashamed of, that kind of takes talent. I'd drown.
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
Randomize
