just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
Her throat is strong enough to gargle peanut butter. I'm sure you were satisfied.
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
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