it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
He couldn't get his dick hard. So he started yelling at it. " EVERYONE is laughing at you, you piece of shit no wonder you can't get pussy" i wonder if that happens frequently I'll try again next weekend
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
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