Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
Her boyfriend was hitting on other girls while drunk. But, she said she was okay with it because she is a feminist and she supports all women's decisions.
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
I've officially done it all, fucked a girl wearing a twister board. ABC parties are amazing!
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
Randomize
