I need to talk to you about an important matter involving lesbians.
i wouldnt be suprised if in indian your name meant "walking lie"
i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
so high i just made my own version of grilled cheese using toast and spray cheese
here comes the puke
Just got flashed by an entire bus of girls in school uniforms. We then had to wait beside each other at a light. It was awkward.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
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