3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
If you got tons of KY ads on HuluPlus, it's because I hit "relevant" every time.
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
You where banging on the wall asking us where we hid the door...you then crawled under the deck thinking you'd be safe. I told you to eat the nachos before the party...I told you.....
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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