wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
There need to be more gay people on my afternoon soaps.
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
If anyone ask I'm rushing for brotherhood, not so that this bartender will suck my dick
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
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