I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
hes like my own personal sex toy i use him on the weekends and then i have the option to put him away all week
he's speaking broken english and calling me isaac.. this is not the australian i ordered for a one nighter
Saturday morning. Went into a study room excited b/c some1 had left a paper w/ an inspirational quote: YOU ARE cApable of aChieving anything yoU waNT. Then I read the bold letters.....
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
Randomize
