She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
therea a video of her dad walking in while i screamed "lets have a fashion show!" and fell off the table
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
Randomize
