somebody snuck up and got me drunk
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
I need a DD tuesday morning around 9 AM
I'm scared to ask why.....
1st bikini wax. Jose Cuervo is helping me prepare.
ENDLESS SCROLLING ON TUMBLR WAS MADE FOR HIGH PEOPLE!
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
the beer staff turned into a beer spear way to quickly
Question: rebounding with your exboyfriend over your rebound guy is healthy right?
He's so twisted that he's acting out Dragon Ball-Z by himself. The Tanquray and THC combo doesn't play around.
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
Randomize
