im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
He literally sends me dick pictures, EVERY DAY. SEVERAL DIFFERENT ANGLES ..it's like I GET THE POINT.
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
UHG. i just want to have hot lesbian sex and eat pizza with you.
Randomize
