It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
No. My vagina is not the scapegoat for your poor decisions.
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
I was just hotboxing under my sheets and I got lost on the way out.
It was so scary.
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
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