Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
he thought i was a dude.
he looked upset that i wasn't completely shaven. i reminded him he had begged. and beggars can't be choosers.
shes got a 6th sense for me cheating...the the hailey joel osmound of me getting bjs
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
I woke up under a house in Key West
Randomize
