since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
it wasn't the penis i had been hoping for.....but i took it regardless.
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
She looked at my cock with a kind of resigned disappointment.
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
Randomize
