I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
I think the pivotal moment was when we used the see and say as a drinking game with shots of whiskey. It was all downhill after that.
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
Bouncer came into the bathrooms to tell us the old one-person-per-stall rule, realised it was two girls banging, and left us to it. Lesbiperks.
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
Howd it go?
Well we had the "no we're not fucking on the porch" conversation but then we totally fucked on the porch. So I'd say alright.
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Randomize
