I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
the $50 fast cash from checking button should just be retitled "8th of weed"
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
Also, the greatest of ironies: I got shampoo confiscated by security while Corey managed to get pot through. MERICA!
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
You just get me....like our souls are boning in the spirit world
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
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