I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
i just made a list of the people i have slept with. is it bad that some of them are just either names of the places i met them or the color of the shirts?
i also rounded the number up for good measure. i am sure there are a few i have forgotten about.
So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
My entire floor is waiting for the couple to come out of the shower. She's a screamer. We've blockaded them
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
He used one of his curtains as a leash and hand restraints. He wins the creative sex challenge hands down.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
Randomize
