Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
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