well you can't waste a boner
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
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