she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
at which point I apparently ran in and shouted "I made the sex with that one!"
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
my human sexuality class is the only class where the porn i watch the night before is relevant to the discussion the next day
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
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