Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
my fake id says im a 34 yr old russian lady ... how is this working
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
We HAVE another bedroom, it's not like I was gunna chain you into the closet. Often.
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
I woke up and found that i was using my computer as a pillow. i had 53 pages of random letters on Microsoft word
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
Randomize
