So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
I can't help the fact that i'm turned on by white boys that look like Jesus
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
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