FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
my being single is dangerous.
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
Just saw a dude take a shot in the parking lot in his car. Too early in the semester for that
He's gonna be so upset when he get's a real job and can't do serious drugs.
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
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