My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
how did he go about obtaining bull sperm?
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
I think the name vodka for a girl is amazing
Also, am I the only one who noticed he didn't fuck you until after you were technically a cripple? Or am I reading into this too much? Congrats on that btw
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
He just seemed to happy to be having sex with me that it ruined the mood for me. I just wanted to punch him.
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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