Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
She's working this semester. Her dad saw he was listed as 'the atm' on her phone and cut off tuition for three months.
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
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